Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Horrorscpe for the Week of 29th October
You'll wake up feeling pretty certain that the talking gorilla was just a dream, but that doesn't explain the Gorilla-to-English dictionary you find under your pillow.
You'll wake up feeling pretty certain that the talking gorilla was just a dream, but that doesn't explain the Gorilla-to-English dictionary you find under your pillow.
Labels: Horrorscope
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
DiCaprio Doesn't Die in The 11th Hour
Last night I went to watch The 11th Hour - the global warming film produced and narrated by Leonardo DiCaprio. Just before the movie started, I casually said to the people with me, "I wonder if Leo dies in this film too?" They were stunned.
Have you ever noticed that Leonardo DiCaprio dies in a significant percentage of the films he's in? The obvious ones are Titanic, Romeo+Juliet and Blood Diamond. He also dies in The Quick & the Dead and The Departed. The Man in the Iron Mask is a bit fifty-fifty because he plays identical twins, one of which dies (or so I'm told, I never saw it).
While not explicitly dying on screen, his character also has depressing endings in The Basketball Diaries, The Aviator and What's Eating Gilbert Grape. Whilst this doesn't happen in every one of his films, I think dying on screen or at least ending badly is his thing.
Contrast that with an actor like Tom Cruise who almost never dies on screen. And it's a real pity too because people increasingly dislike Cruise for his bizarre behaviour so he should be the one dying on screen more often.
Some of his movies, like the Mission Impossible series, you know from the very beginning that he can't die. But in Far and Away, at the start of the film, he pulls the trigger on a rusty old rifle which blows up in his face and he survives. Then halfway through the film, he gets the living sh*t beat out of him in bare knuckle boxing and survives. Then at the end of the film, he falls off a horse, the horse falls on him, he looks like he's dead but wakes up!
In The Last Samurai, he and a bunch of Samurai charge on horseback with swords against the modern Imperial Japanese Army who use rifles, gatling guns and cannons. ALL the Samurai are slaughtered and it appears that Cruise FINALLY dies of his injuries as well. But right at the end, he limps into the Imperial Palace and speaks with the Meiji Emperor despite having suffered about half a million serious wounds in the previous fight scene. Can't he just bloody die already?
Anyway, back to The 11th Hour. Good documentary. I'd recommend watching it after An Inconvenient Truth, even though Leo doesn't die in this one.
Last night I went to watch The 11th Hour - the global warming film produced and narrated by Leonardo DiCaprio. Just before the movie started, I casually said to the people with me, "I wonder if Leo dies in this film too?" They were stunned.
Have you ever noticed that Leonardo DiCaprio dies in a significant percentage of the films he's in? The obvious ones are Titanic, Romeo+Juliet and Blood Diamond. He also dies in The Quick & the Dead and The Departed. The Man in the Iron Mask is a bit fifty-fifty because he plays identical twins, one of which dies (or so I'm told, I never saw it).
While not explicitly dying on screen, his character also has depressing endings in The Basketball Diaries, The Aviator and What's Eating Gilbert Grape. Whilst this doesn't happen in every one of his films, I think dying on screen or at least ending badly is his thing.
Contrast that with an actor like Tom Cruise who almost never dies on screen. And it's a real pity too because people increasingly dislike Cruise for his bizarre behaviour so he should be the one dying on screen more often.
Some of his movies, like the Mission Impossible series, you know from the very beginning that he can't die. But in Far and Away, at the start of the film, he pulls the trigger on a rusty old rifle which blows up in his face and he survives. Then halfway through the film, he gets the living sh*t beat out of him in bare knuckle boxing and survives. Then at the end of the film, he falls off a horse, the horse falls on him, he looks like he's dead but wakes up!
In The Last Samurai, he and a bunch of Samurai charge on horseback with swords against the modern Imperial Japanese Army who use rifles, gatling guns and cannons. ALL the Samurai are slaughtered and it appears that Cruise FINALLY dies of his injuries as well. But right at the end, he limps into the Imperial Palace and speaks with the Meiji Emperor despite having suffered about half a million serious wounds in the previous fight scene. Can't he just bloody die already?
Anyway, back to The 11th Hour. Good documentary. I'd recommend watching it after An Inconvenient Truth, even though Leo doesn't die in this one.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Gatorade to Make a Tiger Woods Sports Drink
This was announced last week. According to the press release on Tiger's website, Gatorade and Tiger Woods will work together to develop a new line of sports drinks called Gatorade Tiger which will be available from March 2008.
So while most successful athletes simply get paid lots of money to endorse an already existing sports drink or soft drink, Tiger Woods gets an entirely new sports drink made specially for him. That's like getting Mobil to make a new engine oil specially suited to Michael Schumacher's style of driving.
Also according to the press release, Tiger has already undergone a "sweat analysis testing with the Gatorade Sports Science Institute" to develop a sports drink specially tailored to meet Tiger's "hydration, recovery, nutrition and energy needs."
So this new drink is going to be specially suited for Tiger Woods' own body? Which means it could be more unsuitable for anyone else's body than a generic sports drink like 100plus or Pocari? And what the hell is the "Gatorade Sports Science Institute" anyway? Gatorade has been in existence for decades. So after developing the standard drink, what was this alleged "Sports Science Institute" doing? Just waiting around till Tiger became famous enough so that they had something new to do like develop a special drink for him?
Maybe other famous athletes should get the "Gatorade Sports Science Institute" to develop specially tailored drinks for them too. Although in the case of John Daly, I think that Budweiser might be closer to his personal "hydration, recovery, nutrition and energy needs" than Gatorade.
And finally, also from the press release, it appears that "Gatorade Tiger will be available in three new and refreshing flavours inspired and selected by Woods (cherry blend, citrus blend and grape)".
First of all, what's so "new" about citrus blend and grape? Gatorade has had those flavours for years! But more importantly, if they've already done Tiger's "sweat analysis testing" (yuck!) and Tiger's already chosen the flavours he wants, why do they need to wait till March 2008 before launching it? It's just a drink! It's based on Gatorade, Tiger's given his input and you've selected the flavours. What are the remaining 5 months for? It's not a bloody iPhone!
Anyway, given Tiger's near cult following (especially among golfers), you can expect every golf club in the world to start stocking and selling this drink like hotcakes come March 2008. I'm already in talks with some of my friends in the F&B business to see if I can get a small share of the distribution business for this drink in South East Asia. We're also discussing which other stars we can pair with a new flavour of some existing food or drink to boost sales for a few years. The personalities of the stars and the drinks must match though. Like maybe Roger Federer and Ice Cool Evian water or the All Blacks and fluffy pavlova that collapses under pressure or England's goalkeeper Paul Robinson and particularly holey Swiss cheese. I'll let you know if anything gets finalised.
This was announced last week. According to the press release on Tiger's website, Gatorade and Tiger Woods will work together to develop a new line of sports drinks called Gatorade Tiger which will be available from March 2008.
So while most successful athletes simply get paid lots of money to endorse an already existing sports drink or soft drink, Tiger Woods gets an entirely new sports drink made specially for him. That's like getting Mobil to make a new engine oil specially suited to Michael Schumacher's style of driving.
Also according to the press release, Tiger has already undergone a "sweat analysis testing with the Gatorade Sports Science Institute" to develop a sports drink specially tailored to meet Tiger's "hydration, recovery, nutrition and energy needs."
So this new drink is going to be specially suited for Tiger Woods' own body? Which means it could be more unsuitable for anyone else's body than a generic sports drink like 100plus or Pocari? And what the hell is the "Gatorade Sports Science Institute" anyway? Gatorade has been in existence for decades. So after developing the standard drink, what was this alleged "Sports Science Institute" doing? Just waiting around till Tiger became famous enough so that they had something new to do like develop a special drink for him?
Maybe other famous athletes should get the "Gatorade Sports Science Institute" to develop specially tailored drinks for them too. Although in the case of John Daly, I think that Budweiser might be closer to his personal "hydration, recovery, nutrition and energy needs" than Gatorade.
And finally, also from the press release, it appears that "Gatorade Tiger will be available in three new and refreshing flavours inspired and selected by Woods (cherry blend, citrus blend and grape)".
First of all, what's so "new" about citrus blend and grape? Gatorade has had those flavours for years! But more importantly, if they've already done Tiger's "sweat analysis testing" (yuck!) and Tiger's already chosen the flavours he wants, why do they need to wait till March 2008 before launching it? It's just a drink! It's based on Gatorade, Tiger's given his input and you've selected the flavours. What are the remaining 5 months for? It's not a bloody iPhone!
Anyway, given Tiger's near cult following (especially among golfers), you can expect every golf club in the world to start stocking and selling this drink like hotcakes come March 2008. I'm already in talks with some of my friends in the F&B business to see if I can get a small share of the distribution business for this drink in South East Asia. We're also discussing which other stars we can pair with a new flavour of some existing food or drink to boost sales for a few years. The personalities of the stars and the drinks must match though. Like maybe Roger Federer and Ice Cool Evian water or the All Blacks and fluffy pavlova that collapses under pressure or England's goalkeeper Paul Robinson and particularly holey Swiss cheese. I'll let you know if anything gets finalised.
Horrorscope for the Week of 22nd October
Most people are either part of the solution or part of the problem, but you're one of the red herrings thrown into the answer set to mislead test-takers.
Most people are either part of the solution or part of the problem, but you're one of the red herrings thrown into the answer set to mislead test-takers.
Labels: Horrorscope
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Her Looks vs His Money
I am given to understand that the following posts appeared on Craig's List, which I am given to understand is a website mostly used for people to hook up for one night stands. Res Ipsa Loquitur in my view.
Her Question:
What am I doing wrong?
Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year.
I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all. Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips?
I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to Central Park West. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?
Here are my questions specifically:-
I am given to understand that the following posts appeared on Craig's List, which I am given to understand is a website mostly used for people to hook up for one night stands. Res Ipsa Loquitur in my view.
Her Question:
What am I doing wrong?
Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year.
I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all. Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips?
I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to Central Park West. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?
Here are my questions specifically:-
- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics - bars, restaurants, gyms
- What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings
- Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?
- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the Upper Eastside so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?
- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do theyhang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?
- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend?
I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY. Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.
It's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests.
His Answer:
I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.
Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it.
Your offer, from the perspective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple.
But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity... in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful! So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset.
Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you! So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub... marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease.
In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.
Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if only for a tryout.
By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.
With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic "pump and dump." I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.
Horrorscope for the Week of 15th October
Next time, remember that the accepted order is rape, then pillage, and THEN burn.
Next time, remember that the accepted order is rape, then pillage, and THEN burn.
Labels: Horrorscope
Monday, October 08, 2007
Horrorscope for Week of 8th October
You will be embarrassed to learn that stretching before exercise does not require a medieval rack and the services of two shirtless, hooded men.
You will be embarrassed to learn that stretching before exercise does not require a medieval rack and the services of two shirtless, hooded men.
Labels: Horrorscope
Friday, October 05, 2007
Making Up Oscar Wilde QuotesOscar Wilde is my favourite playwright. The Importance of Being Earnest and An Ideal Husband are both thoroughly enjoyable scripts and have been turned into wonderful movies as well. To this day, if I disappear from the office for a jaunt, I tell my secretary that I am going for a meeting at my client Bunbury's office.
It's Wilde's irreverent characters with their witty one-liners that really resonate with me. Some of my favourites are the following:
"The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to her if she is pretty and to someone else if she is plain." Algernon, Act I, The Importance of Being Earnest.
"To lose one parent, Mr Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness." Lady Bracknell, Act I, The Importance of Being Earnest.
"If I am occasionally a little over-dressed, I make up for it by being immensely over-educated." Algernon, Act II , The Importance of Being Earnest.
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." Lady Bracknell, Act III, The Importance of Being Earnest.
"I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself." Lord Goring, Act I, An Ideal Husband.
"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance." Lord Goring, Act III, An Ideal Husband.
"My dear father, if we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time of it." Lord Goring, Act IV , An Ideal Husband.
"One knows so well the popular idea of health. The English country gentleman galloping after a fox - the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable." Lord Illingsworth, A Woman of No Importance.
In addition to these however, I have recently come across a webpage which specializes in fake quotes attributed to Oscar Wilde. The Uncyclopedia (world's largest repository of fake "information") lists Making Up Oscar Wilde Quotes as the national sport of England. Many of the quotes are complete rubbish of course. However, spend enough time sifting through them and a few genuinely funny ones emerge, when you understand their original context and picture Oscar Wilde saying them:
"SPARTANS, ATTACK!"
"I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking carriage!” Oscar Wilde, from Snakes On A Carriage.
"I have nothing to declare but my genuis. And this four kilogram bag of cocaine."
"No one wants to see a play called 'Lady Windermere's Fan'. It's going to be called 'Cocks in Frocks II' or I will find another publisher."
"There's a bit of gay in everyone. Just normally, it's a part of me."
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Slingers Finally Win One!
It's been a rough start to their second season for the Singapore Slingers. They lost the first 3 games, including 2 games at home (where 8 of our 12 wins last season took place).
And new American import, Rod Grizzard, was yet to perform. In fact, last week against the Gold Coast Blaze, Grizzard fouled out after scoring only 4 points!
And the early going last night against the Townsville Crocs only suggested that the Slingers' abysmal run was set to continue when they ended the first quarter 18 - 35 down. Fortunately, they turned that around, limiting the Crocs to below 20 points for each of the remaining quarters and finally recording their first win at 101 - 86. Grizzard also high scored with 32 points on a night when our star player, Mike Helms, could only manage 7 points and fouled out with 8 mins to go in the last quarter.
Many of us are breathing a sigh of relief that we've finally got our first Win this season. I brought one of my partners at the firm to watch the match with me and at half time, he suggested that if the Slingers continue losing, maybe the team should focus on getting a new batch of really hot cheerleaders so that the crowd at least has something fun to watch!
To be fair, the Slinger Girls dance reasonably well and are enthusiastic in their support for the team. But they're all petite Chinese girls and they look really tiny next to the 6 foot+ players. If the Slingers don't keep winning, maybe we should consider focusing on new cheerleaders instead?
It's been a rough start to their second season for the Singapore Slingers. They lost the first 3 games, including 2 games at home (where 8 of our 12 wins last season took place).And new American import, Rod Grizzard, was yet to perform. In fact, last week against the Gold Coast Blaze, Grizzard fouled out after scoring only 4 points!
And the early going last night against the Townsville Crocs only suggested that the Slingers' abysmal run was set to continue when they ended the first quarter 18 - 35 down. Fortunately, they turned that around, limiting the Crocs to below 20 points for each of the remaining quarters and finally recording their first win at 101 - 86. Grizzard also high scored with 32 points on a night when our star player, Mike Helms, could only manage 7 points and fouled out with 8 mins to go in the last quarter.Many of us are breathing a sigh of relief that we've finally got our first Win this season. I brought one of my partners at the firm to watch the match with me and at half time, he suggested that if the Slingers continue losing, maybe the team should focus on getting a new batch of really hot cheerleaders so that the crowd at least has something fun to watch!
To be fair, the Slinger Girls dance reasonably well and are enthusiastic in their support for the team. But they're all petite Chinese girls and they look really tiny next to the 6 foot+ players. If the Slingers don't keep winning, maybe we should consider focusing on new cheerleaders instead?Monday, October 01, 2007
Yes, I've Been Missing in Action
It's been because of a combination of extreme work, travelling and December preparations. All whilst trying to keep up with my regular golf schedule of course.
But now I'm back and I've at least updated the weekly horrorscopes.
Not as if anyone reads this blog anyway ...
It's been because of a combination of extreme work, travelling and December preparations. All whilst trying to keep up with my regular golf schedule of course.
But now I'm back and I've at least updated the weekly horrorscopes.
Not as if anyone reads this blog anyway ...
Horrorscope for the Week of 1st October
You have grown fat on the blood of the innocent, which, as it turns out, happens to be the main ingredient in that white cream inside Twinkies.
You have grown fat on the blood of the innocent, which, as it turns out, happens to be the main ingredient in that white cream inside Twinkies.
Labels: Horrorscope
Horrorscope for the Week of 24th September
You'll once again lead your department in crash testing, but they're starting to take a toll on your health.
You'll once again lead your department in crash testing, but they're starting to take a toll on your health.
Labels: Horrorscope
Horrorscope for the Week of 17th September
You like to think of every day as a fresh new challenge, which would have been inspiring if you didn't keep failing each challenge.
You like to think of every day as a fresh new challenge, which would have been inspiring if you didn't keep failing each challenge.
Labels: Horrorscope
Horrorscope for the Week of 10th September
You'll feel faintly embarrassed about your decision to release the beast within when you see how fuzzy and cute it is.
You'll feel faintly embarrassed about your decision to release the beast within when you see how fuzzy and cute it is.
Labels: Horrorscope
Horrorscope for the Week of 3rd September
Have faith, you will eventually be exonerated when the grand jury reluctantly admits that you had no choice but to set fire to Grandma.
Have faith, you will eventually be exonerated when the grand jury reluctantly admits that you had no choice but to set fire to Grandma.
Labels: Horrorscope
