Friday, October 28, 2005
Duck Tours Boat Storms to Victory in Great Singapore Duck Race
Allegations of steriod use by winning duck being investigated
Wouldn't that be a cool headline on The Straits Times? The next time they have that silly duck race, I think halfway through the race the Duck Tours boat should just launch into the water, motor past all the little ducks and take a stunning victory.
Otherwise the duck race thing gets boring after a few races - they move so slowly, nobody can identify which is their duck and the ducks don't seem to be very competitive anyway. Maybe we should threaten the ducks? The last 100 place finishers will be handed over to Johnson Duck for roasting and turned into a delicious meal. That way, if you wasted your $10 by buying a losing duck, you have the consolation of a free meal.
And if the whole purpose of the duck race is to raise funds for charity then they're missing the jackpot by not legalising duck race betting with Singapore Pools. Since the race takes place in 12 or so cities over a year, by the time it comes round to Singapore we could have some statistics on how each duck fared in previous races and turn that into betting odds. E.g. - Duck No. 3241 has come in 12th, 5th and 7th in the last 3 races in London, New York and Paris, his odds are 20 to 1 for a top 3 place in Singapore although some punters believe that he could be confused by the warmer waters in our equitorial climate.
Ok, I should stop now, it's getting too silly even for me.
Allegations of steriod use by winning duck being investigated
Wouldn't that be a cool headline on The Straits Times? The next time they have that silly duck race, I think halfway through the race the Duck Tours boat should just launch into the water, motor past all the little ducks and take a stunning victory.
Otherwise the duck race thing gets boring after a few races - they move so slowly, nobody can identify which is their duck and the ducks don't seem to be very competitive anyway. Maybe we should threaten the ducks? The last 100 place finishers will be handed over to Johnson Duck for roasting and turned into a delicious meal. That way, if you wasted your $10 by buying a losing duck, you have the consolation of a free meal.
And if the whole purpose of the duck race is to raise funds for charity then they're missing the jackpot by not legalising duck race betting with Singapore Pools. Since the race takes place in 12 or so cities over a year, by the time it comes round to Singapore we could have some statistics on how each duck fared in previous races and turn that into betting odds. E.g. - Duck No. 3241 has come in 12th, 5th and 7th in the last 3 races in London, New York and Paris, his odds are 20 to 1 for a top 3 place in Singapore although some punters believe that he could be confused by the warmer waters in our equitorial climate.
Ok, I should stop now, it's getting too silly even for me.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Deceit, Deception & Betrayal
After slogging for a month to write Closing Submissions to a complex 6 week arbitration hearing, I exchange submissions with my opponent only to find that page 1, paragraph 1 of their submissions read as follows:
"1. This case tells the sad story of how [their client] was shut out from the business which they had introduced to [my client]. As this story unfolds, it will expose an elaborate web of deceit, deception and betrayal."
So, page 1, paragraph 1 of my Reply Submissions will read as follows:
"1. First and foremost, it should be painfully obvious that "deceit" and "deception" mean the same thing."
This is a true story. Names have been left out to protect deceivers, betrayers and people with lousy English.
After slogging for a month to write Closing Submissions to a complex 6 week arbitration hearing, I exchange submissions with my opponent only to find that page 1, paragraph 1 of their submissions read as follows:
"1. This case tells the sad story of how [their client] was shut out from the business which they had introduced to [my client]. As this story unfolds, it will expose an elaborate web of deceit, deception and betrayal."
So, page 1, paragraph 1 of my Reply Submissions will read as follows:
"1. First and foremost, it should be painfully obvious that "deceit" and "deception" mean the same thing."
This is a true story. Names have been left out to protect deceivers, betrayers and people with lousy English.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
The Pushy Tele-Marketer
About once a week I get a call from a tele-marketer about one of the following:
a) Some new product I don’t want regardless of the price;
b) Some old product I’ve never wanted regardless of the sale price;
c) One of the above that I don’t want to buy in bulk regardless of the discount price; or,
d) “Hello, is that Mr. Lee? No? Sorry, wrong number.”
My standard answer when offered some new product, old product, bulk product or wrong number is to say “No, thanks.” If they persist, I get sarcastic, just to amuse myself. They hang up fairly quickly from there. Today however, I got a call from the pushy tele-marketer (“TM”) with a surgically removed sense of sarcasm.
Lines in italics & grey are thoughts I had to stop myself from speaking out:-
TM: Hello Sir, I am calling about the flyer you received when you attended the Law-Media Debate at the Supreme Court last Friday. We got your number from the namecard you dropped into the box. Have you read the flyer?
Me: No. Can you just quickly tell me what it’s about?
TM: Well, we’re not a beautician …
Lady, we could be here all day if you keep telling me what you are not …
TM: We’re a clinic offering skin treatment, therapeutic massage and weight loss programs.
Ah! Old products I’ve never wanted unless I increase in bulk …
Me: You know, I don’t think I’ll be interested.
TM: Do you practice good skin care?
Me: I wear a hat sometimes when I play golf. Does that count?
Sarcasm mode engaged.
TM: If you come down to the clinic we will give you a free skin examination.
Me: It’s okay really, I’m not interested. I’m sure other people will be though.
So perhaps you should call them instead of continuing to bother me!
TM: Maybe you should consider getting the free examination. There are long-term effects of skin neglect that you should consider.
Me: You know, if I was concerned about long-term effects, I should first be concerned about the long-term effects of my smoking and drinking.
TM: But skin damage is also an important issue.
How about telephone damage? Is there any long-term damage from telephone usage you should consider for yourself?
Me: I’ll make you a deal. The day after I start worrying about the long-term effects of my smoking and drinking, I’ll give you a call about my skin. Deal?
TM: We are located in Raffles Place so it’s very convenient for you to drop by from your office.
It was a perfectly reasonable deal, lady. Take it and you live to annoy someone else within the next 5 minutes!
Me: Yeah. Well, maybe if I’m dying of skin cancer but other than that, frankly, I’m just not the kind of person who cares so much about my skin, ok?
Sarcasm bordering on rudeness … must … fight temptation to be rude … must … call Captain Courtesy … for help …
TM: Ok, well, I hope to see you at our clinic someday soon.
Are you kidding? I just said I’d only go there if I have SKIN CANCER and you hope to see me there soon? Are you even listening?
Me: Gee, thanks. Bye.
TM: What about massage? Do you go for massages?
Does it come with a happy ending? I am doing my thesis on Full-Release Massage. Want to help?
Me: No, thanks. It was nice talking to you though, bye.
TM: Ok, thank you for your time.
About once a week I get a call from a tele-marketer about one of the following:
a) Some new product I don’t want regardless of the price;
b) Some old product I’ve never wanted regardless of the sale price;
c) One of the above that I don’t want to buy in bulk regardless of the discount price; or,
d) “Hello, is that Mr. Lee? No? Sorry, wrong number.”
My standard answer when offered some new product, old product, bulk product or wrong number is to say “No, thanks.” If they persist, I get sarcastic, just to amuse myself. They hang up fairly quickly from there. Today however, I got a call from the pushy tele-marketer (“TM”) with a surgically removed sense of sarcasm.
Lines in italics & grey are thoughts I had to stop myself from speaking out:-
TM: Hello Sir, I am calling about the flyer you received when you attended the Law-Media Debate at the Supreme Court last Friday. We got your number from the namecard you dropped into the box. Have you read the flyer?
Me: No. Can you just quickly tell me what it’s about?
TM: Well, we’re not a beautician …
Lady, we could be here all day if you keep telling me what you are not …
TM: We’re a clinic offering skin treatment, therapeutic massage and weight loss programs.
Ah! Old products I’ve never wanted unless I increase in bulk …
Me: You know, I don’t think I’ll be interested.
TM: Do you practice good skin care?
Me: I wear a hat sometimes when I play golf. Does that count?
Sarcasm mode engaged.
TM: If you come down to the clinic we will give you a free skin examination.
Me: It’s okay really, I’m not interested. I’m sure other people will be though.
So perhaps you should call them instead of continuing to bother me!
TM: Maybe you should consider getting the free examination. There are long-term effects of skin neglect that you should consider.
Me: You know, if I was concerned about long-term effects, I should first be concerned about the long-term effects of my smoking and drinking.
TM: But skin damage is also an important issue.
How about telephone damage? Is there any long-term damage from telephone usage you should consider for yourself?
Me: I’ll make you a deal. The day after I start worrying about the long-term effects of my smoking and drinking, I’ll give you a call about my skin. Deal?
TM: We are located in Raffles Place so it’s very convenient for you to drop by from your office.
It was a perfectly reasonable deal, lady. Take it and you live to annoy someone else within the next 5 minutes!
Me: Yeah. Well, maybe if I’m dying of skin cancer but other than that, frankly, I’m just not the kind of person who cares so much about my skin, ok?
Sarcasm bordering on rudeness … must … fight temptation to be rude … must … call Captain Courtesy … for help …
TM: Ok, well, I hope to see you at our clinic someday soon.
Are you kidding? I just said I’d only go there if I have SKIN CANCER and you hope to see me there soon? Are you even listening?
Me: Gee, thanks. Bye.
TM: What about massage? Do you go for massages?
Does it come with a happy ending? I am doing my thesis on Full-Release Massage. Want to help?
Me: No, thanks. It was nice talking to you though, bye.
TM: Ok, thank you for your time.
