Tuesday, November 08, 2005
The Nuclear Voice Mail
"Hi this is [so & so], I'm not available right now, please leave a message ...". Don't you find voice mail messages utterly dull? For all the chirpy ring tones, multi-hued phone skins and eye popping graphics on today's ultra advanced handphones you'd think they could do something about the voice mail message itself!
With that in mind, allow me to introduce THE NUCLEAR VOICE MAIL MESSAGE, in the following easy steps:
1. Instead of saying "Hi, I'm not available yada yada yada ...", say in a firm, confident voice "Welcome to the United States Missile Defence Command. Please enter target city."
2. Wait 5 seconds.
3. Say "Target city [name - personally, I like using Kuala Lumpur cos it adds to the absurdity]. Please enter launch code."
4. Wait 5 seconds.
5. Say "Launch code correct. [Kuala Lumpur] will be destroyed in 30 minutes. Have a nice day." Hang-up.
After a week, modify your voice mail message as follows:
1. Say "Welcome to the United States Missile Defence Command. All our operators are busy at the moment, please wait."
2. Wait 5 seconds.
3. Say "If you are in Melbourne, Athens or Bangkok, you may wish to consider leaving within the next half hour."
4. Wait 5 seconds.
5. Say "Thank you for waiting. Our system is now ready to process your request. Please enter target city."
6. Repeat steps 2 to 5 from the first series above.
"Hi this is [so & so], I'm not available right now, please leave a message ...". Don't you find voice mail messages utterly dull? For all the chirpy ring tones, multi-hued phone skins and eye popping graphics on today's ultra advanced handphones you'd think they could do something about the voice mail message itself!
With that in mind, allow me to introduce THE NUCLEAR VOICE MAIL MESSAGE, in the following easy steps:
1. Instead of saying "Hi, I'm not available yada yada yada ...", say in a firm, confident voice "Welcome to the United States Missile Defence Command. Please enter target city."
2. Wait 5 seconds.
3. Say "Target city [name - personally, I like using Kuala Lumpur cos it adds to the absurdity]. Please enter launch code."
4. Wait 5 seconds.
5. Say "Launch code correct. [Kuala Lumpur] will be destroyed in 30 minutes. Have a nice day." Hang-up.
After a week, modify your voice mail message as follows:
1. Say "Welcome to the United States Missile Defence Command. All our operators are busy at the moment, please wait."
2. Wait 5 seconds.
3. Say "If you are in Melbourne, Athens or Bangkok, you may wish to consider leaving within the next half hour."
4. Wait 5 seconds.
5. Say "Thank you for waiting. Our system is now ready to process your request. Please enter target city."
6. Repeat steps 2 to 5 from the first series above.
# posted by Fore! @ 6:13 PM 
Comments:
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Actually, the blog took a lot less time than going from Raffles Place to Suntec and meeting you for coffee. Anyway, how about lunch today at Suntec?
You've probably heard this one before but it always makes me laugh (this is a short excerpt, there's more on the web):
Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
If you are obsessive or compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5 and 6
If you are paranoid, we already know who you are and what you want, but stay on the line while we trace your call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9, if you have short term memory loss, press 9, if you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until a representative comes on the line.
If you are dyslexic, press 696969696969.
Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
If you are obsessive or compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5 and 6
If you are paranoid, we already know who you are and what you want, but stay on the line while we trace your call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9, if you have short term memory loss, press 9, if you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until a representative comes on the line.
If you are dyslexic, press 696969696969.
Good one Kok Seng!
There's also the one where the guy complains about hearing all these positive, feel good messages people leave on their voice mail, like: "Today's message is be positive, share the love ..."
So he leaves a reply message saying: "Hi, this is the VD clinic, speaking of being positive, your test results just came back. Stop sharing the love."
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There's also the one where the guy complains about hearing all these positive, feel good messages people leave on their voice mail, like: "Today's message is be positive, share the love ..."
So he leaves a reply message saying: "Hi, this is the VD clinic, speaking of being positive, your test results just came back. Stop sharing the love."
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