Monday, March 13, 2006
5 Ways to Make Formula One More Exciting
The first race of the new F1 season took place yesterday in Bahrain. Fernando "Eyebrows" Alonso (the driver whose bushy eyebrows are almost joined together) beat Michael "Machine" Schumacher to win and taking third place was Kimi "Munchkin" Raikkonen (still too young to reach puberty and develop a personality for post race interviews).
Whilst the race did have a few good moments (Jacques "I used to be Champion but I'm actually shite" Villeneuve's fiery engine blow up comes to mind), the fact still remains that there is insufficient excitement and overtaking in F1. After all, Fernando Eyebrows' overtaking of Michael Machine only took place through a faster pit-stop which enabled him to come out of the pits fractionally ahead and take the inside line into Turn 1.
The F1 Supremos have been trying their darnest to make it more exciting for years. When Ferrari dominated, they resorted to changing the regulations for chassis, engine and tyres so drastically for the 2005 season that Ferrari's 2004 car could no longer be the basis for building the new car and thus everyone started on a level playing field. Then they switched back to Everyone-On-at-the-Same-Time Qualifying for 2006 when One-Car-At-A-Time Qualifying proved to be the most boring thing on television since Today in Parliament.
In fact, the F1 Supremos have tried everything to make the races more exciting short of giving each driver a handgun and a bottle of whiskey before each race. So I think it's time they took some outside advice on what to do. Here are my top 5 ways to make F1 more exciting:
1. Eliminate the Pit Crew
Pit stops are necessary for fuel top-ups and tyre changes. The pit crew consists of around 12 people who can change 4 tyres on an F1 car in about 5 seconds. The rest of the time is determined by how much fuel they want to put into the car but even then, an F1 car can be fully fuelled in about 12 seconds. I have nothing against pit stops but why should the driver get any help with their pit stops? If we eliminate the pit crew, we get to see the drivers doing everything themselves. Just imagine Juan "Fatso" Montoya stopping the car, getting out, changing the tyres himself 1 by 1, refuelling and then hopping back in to continue the race after stuffing his face with a chicken pie.
2. Winners Start from the Back
The same teams keep occupying the first 2 to 3 rows of the grid after qualifying sessions - normally Ferrari, Renault and McLaren. When the race starts they zoom off into the distance leaving everyone else behind. They are so evenly matched that it's nearly impossible for any one of them to overtake the other and the whole race becomes a procession from start to finish if mechanical failures don't happen or clever pit-stop strategy doesn't come into play. If we want to see more overtaking, we should take the first 8 cars from the previous race (i.e. the points scorers) and start them from the back of the grid in the next race. That way, they'll have to overtake all the losers of the previous race before they can get into points scoring positions again. It's called "charging through the field" and it's exciting to watch.
Back in the days when Michael Machine was winning everything, it was suggeted that he should start the next race from the pit lane. Of the previous race venue.
3. Introduce Cultural Flavours to Each Race
Instead of each race being essentially the same, the cultural characteristics of each country the race is held in should be taken into account to make each race unique. Here are some examples:
Indianapolis, USA - When cruising through the pit lane, drive by shootings of stationary cars doing their pit stops is allowed.
Montreal, Canada - All pit to driver communications must take place in both English and French otherwise a drive-through penalty is incurred.
Nurburgring, Germany - Drivers are to be clad in lederhosen.
Melbourne, Australia - Every 10 laps, drivers must pit and finish a beer. At the end of the race, the F1 car engines are used for a barbeque.
Shanghai, China - Half the cars on the grid are cardboard immitations made in a factory in Guangdong. They are indistinguishable from the real cars from a distance and drivers don't know which ones are fake until they actually try to start up the engines just before the race begins.
If a race was held in Singapore, pit stops to refuel will take place in Malaysia. All cars crossing into Malaysia will nevertheless have to have their tanks 3/4 full.
4. Start the Race with a Footrace
The TV commentators are always saying you have to have incredible fitness to be an F1 driver. Let's find out for real. Instead of starting the race with the drivers already in their cars waiting for the green light, each race should start with the drivers personally lined up on the start-finish line. When the light goes green, they run 1 lap on foot before they reach their cars whereupon they jump in and start driving. This has the advantage of eliminating the need for a qualifying session to determine who starts the race in first position. If the first car makes a lap before some of the slower drivers have finished running a lap, the cars have the option of trying to run over the drivers who are still running. This has the advantage of eliminating Juan "Fatso" Montoya.
5. Handguns and Whiskey
If all else fails.
The first race of the new F1 season took place yesterday in Bahrain. Fernando "Eyebrows" Alonso (the driver whose bushy eyebrows are almost joined together) beat Michael "Machine" Schumacher to win and taking third place was Kimi "Munchkin" Raikkonen (still too young to reach puberty and develop a personality for post race interviews).
Whilst the race did have a few good moments (Jacques "I used to be Champion but I'm actually shite" Villeneuve's fiery engine blow up comes to mind), the fact still remains that there is insufficient excitement and overtaking in F1. After all, Fernando Eyebrows' overtaking of Michael Machine only took place through a faster pit-stop which enabled him to come out of the pits fractionally ahead and take the inside line into Turn 1.
The F1 Supremos have been trying their darnest to make it more exciting for years. When Ferrari dominated, they resorted to changing the regulations for chassis, engine and tyres so drastically for the 2005 season that Ferrari's 2004 car could no longer be the basis for building the new car and thus everyone started on a level playing field. Then they switched back to Everyone-On-at-the-Same-Time Qualifying for 2006 when One-Car-At-A-Time Qualifying proved to be the most boring thing on television since Today in Parliament.
In fact, the F1 Supremos have tried everything to make the races more exciting short of giving each driver a handgun and a bottle of whiskey before each race. So I think it's time they took some outside advice on what to do. Here are my top 5 ways to make F1 more exciting:
1. Eliminate the Pit Crew
Pit stops are necessary for fuel top-ups and tyre changes. The pit crew consists of around 12 people who can change 4 tyres on an F1 car in about 5 seconds. The rest of the time is determined by how much fuel they want to put into the car but even then, an F1 car can be fully fuelled in about 12 seconds. I have nothing against pit stops but why should the driver get any help with their pit stops? If we eliminate the pit crew, we get to see the drivers doing everything themselves. Just imagine Juan "Fatso" Montoya stopping the car, getting out, changing the tyres himself 1 by 1, refuelling and then hopping back in to continue the race after stuffing his face with a chicken pie.
2. Winners Start from the Back
The same teams keep occupying the first 2 to 3 rows of the grid after qualifying sessions - normally Ferrari, Renault and McLaren. When the race starts they zoom off into the distance leaving everyone else behind. They are so evenly matched that it's nearly impossible for any one of them to overtake the other and the whole race becomes a procession from start to finish if mechanical failures don't happen or clever pit-stop strategy doesn't come into play. If we want to see more overtaking, we should take the first 8 cars from the previous race (i.e. the points scorers) and start them from the back of the grid in the next race. That way, they'll have to overtake all the losers of the previous race before they can get into points scoring positions again. It's called "charging through the field" and it's exciting to watch.
Back in the days when Michael Machine was winning everything, it was suggeted that he should start the next race from the pit lane. Of the previous race venue.
3. Introduce Cultural Flavours to Each Race
Instead of each race being essentially the same, the cultural characteristics of each country the race is held in should be taken into account to make each race unique. Here are some examples:
Indianapolis, USA - When cruising through the pit lane, drive by shootings of stationary cars doing their pit stops is allowed.
Montreal, Canada - All pit to driver communications must take place in both English and French otherwise a drive-through penalty is incurred.
Nurburgring, Germany - Drivers are to be clad in lederhosen.
Melbourne, Australia - Every 10 laps, drivers must pit and finish a beer. At the end of the race, the F1 car engines are used for a barbeque.
Shanghai, China - Half the cars on the grid are cardboard immitations made in a factory in Guangdong. They are indistinguishable from the real cars from a distance and drivers don't know which ones are fake until they actually try to start up the engines just before the race begins.
If a race was held in Singapore, pit stops to refuel will take place in Malaysia. All cars crossing into Malaysia will nevertheless have to have their tanks 3/4 full.
4. Start the Race with a Footrace
The TV commentators are always saying you have to have incredible fitness to be an F1 driver. Let's find out for real. Instead of starting the race with the drivers already in their cars waiting for the green light, each race should start with the drivers personally lined up on the start-finish line. When the light goes green, they run 1 lap on foot before they reach their cars whereupon they jump in and start driving. This has the advantage of eliminating the need for a qualifying session to determine who starts the race in first position. If the first car makes a lap before some of the slower drivers have finished running a lap, the cars have the option of trying to run over the drivers who are still running. This has the advantage of eliminating Juan "Fatso" Montoya.
5. Handguns and Whiskey
If all else fails.
# posted by Fore! @ 1:19 PM 
