The Only Thing That Counts Is Me

One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor!
- George Carlin

A few months ago, I was invited to attend a launch party for a new brand of tequila which was being brought into Singapore. I am not a fan of tequila so it is no surprise that I had never heard of this brand before.

My impression of tequila is that it is a vile liquid, reminiscent of paint thinner in taste. It has therefore always made sense to me that tequila has to be drunk in small quantities, in a rapid gulp, with salt and with a slice of lemon quickly applied to the affected parts of the lips & tongue – I would imagine that if one was required to drink paint thinner or other forms of industrial alcohol, the same techniques as that used for tequila should be applied. But perhaps paint thinner requires less salt & lemon than tequila to mask its foul taste.

Additionally, in my experience prolonged exposure to tequila leads to a massive hangover of the 3rd Kind. Having had sufficient experience with them, I have since classified hangovers into 3 kinds of ascending severity. The First is a mild dull ache at the back of the head. You can function normally except that thinking requires a little effort. You can drive, you can even drink again immediately but the proof of Fermat’s Last Theorem is perhaps best attempted on another day.

Hangovers of the Second Kind manifest themselves in a clear and present headache not localized to any one region. Bloodshot eyes and other obvious physical signs of a hangover are evident to all who see you. Whilst in this state there is no desire to drink. Driving is also not recommended (but it’s the putting which really kills you when you’re like this so I try not to golf on such days).

The Third Kind of hangover is the ultimate torture. A pounding headache reverberates from one side of the skull to the other. Reasonably loud noise of any persistent kind will serve to amplify the headache. Moving the head amplifies the headache. Hands tremble and eyes hurt. Throat is parched and the stench of stale alcohol is so strong even I myself can detect it. Nausea is only a heartbeat away. Excessive exposure to tequila always gives me the Third Kind of hangover and Close Encounters of the Third Kind are not pleasant.

So there I was at this launch party for the new tequila, not particularly looking forward to the experience. The dearth of hot looking girls didn’t help but at least I recognized some familiar faces and got into some interesting conversations.

I tried various cocktails and after noting that you could not taste the tequila at all in the cocktails, I asked for a shot glass and tried some of the Tequila Silver. It tasted bad but less bad than ordinary tequila I had tasted before.

It was at this time that I was introduced to the man who was responsible for importing this new tequila into Asia (which at that time meant only Hong Kong and now Singapore). He was an affable fellow and he quickly explained that tequila tended to come in 3 grades. Tequila Silver, which I was having at the time, is pure tequila straight after distillation with no aging applied to it whatsoever. It gives the purest tequila taste but since it is un-aged it is not as mature and not expensive as the others.

Tequila Reposado is mildly aged tequila kept in oak barrels for a few months. It comes in a light yellow colour as a result of staining from the oak and it develops a hint of flavour from the oak. The highest (common) grade of tequila is Anejo. That is normally aged for 12 months or more and acquires a distinct yellow colour from the oak barrels.

Tequila was the first indigenous distilled spirit in North America. For centuries before the arrival of Europeans, the Aztec peoples had made a fermented beverage from the agave plant called octli. In 1521 the Spanish conquistadors arrived in Mexico and when they ran out of their supply of brandy, they took the native octli, distilled it and produced tequila.

Actually, what Hernan Cortes and his conquistadors produced was mezcal, which is the name for any distilled alcohol made from the agave family of plants. Tequila is a special type of mezcal because it is made only from the blue agave plant and it must be made strictly in accordance with the standards of the Mexican Tequila Regulatory Council. In addition, only mezcal made from particular regions of Mexico have the right to call themselves tequila (like brandy made in Cognac, France).

However, before you go around thinking tequila is all that prestigious, I should point out that the regulations only require that tequila be at least 51% agave. The remaining 49% can be any other sugars. Normally, that remaining 49% is made from maize or sugarcane (because that’s cheaper than agave). Often, caramel is also added to cheap tequila to give it the aged yellow colour of Anejo. It is generally believed that mixto (i.e. mixed tequila) is the cause of bad hangovers. There are however premium tequilas made from 100% blue agave and it was no surprise that the tequila being launched was indeed a 100% blue agave premium tequila.

When I finished my shot of tequila Silver, the Importer introduced me to a different way of drinking tequila. He selected the Anejo and offered it to me in a whiskey glass, ice cubes optional. He said premium tequila and especially Anejo, should be drunk like fine single malt whiskey. It was certainly an improvement over the tiny shot glass (I am far more comfortable and used to whiskey glasses anyway) and the Anejo tasted decidedly better to me than the Silver, although still not to my liking.

The Importer then told me how this particular brand of tequila became famous. After buying over the land and distillery, the owner was talking to 2 of his friends one day about how he could make this tequila famous. His 2 friends said that in exchange for a share of his tequila investment, they would drink that tequila in public and help it catch on. Of course, a simple plan like this ordinarily wouldn’t work – except that the owner’s 2 friends were Clint Eastwood and Bruce Willis.

Before you could say “Star Power”, everyone in Hollywood was drinking this tequila, from Kelsey Grammer to Tom Cruise. And before you could say “Mindless Celebrity Copying Public”, this tequila took off as the hottest thing in America since the Hydrogen Bomb. In fact, its success was so phenomenal that competitors rushed to the market with their own new, old or repackaged brands of tequila to get a slice of the lemon as quickly as possible. Today, premium tequila (made from 100% blue agave), is the hippest drink amongst the glamour elite in Hollywood (which really means the masses are drinking it and the REAL glamourous elite of Hollywood have probably moved on to something else to distinguish themselves from the masses, oh well …).

Shortly after explaining all that to me, the Importer gathered everyone and showed a video of the tequila. The video featured hip cool music, a few shots of the manufacturing process and then pictures and video clips of various Hollywood celebrities drinking this tequila. It even had a segment showing Tom Cruise asking for this tequila by name at a bar in the movie Vanilla Sky and the lead characters in Will & Grace drinking this tequila in one episode with the bottle label clearly in view.

After awhile, I couldn’t help feeling that it was all hype. It was all about “the cool people are drinking it so if you want to be cool, you should drink it too!” I began to realize that no one ever explained what made its taste so “good” (not that it was good, so maybe I’ve answered my own question). No one explained what difference in characteristics this 100% blue agave tequila has from other 100% blue agave tequila. No one explained what made this drink special other than the fact that Hollywood celebrities were drinking it. The Importer didn’t say anything about any of that; not when he was talking to me and not when he addressed all the invited guests. The video didn’t mention anything about that. None of the promoters said anything along those lines at all. The inescapable feeling that descended over me like the morning after the Republican National Congress is that it was all just hype.

And then I began to look around and wonder why they chose to launch the tequila at this venue. It was a nice place but a little quiet, remote and small. If you wanted to launch a drink with more hype than hops, why wouldn’t you use Singapore’s ultra flashy superficial fake poser venue – Velvet Underground? The crowd there will lap up anything that’s billed as exclusive, new, hip and associated with Hollywood celebrities. Maybe they didn’t do it at Velvet because they didn’t have enough money? I wonder how much this launch costs and how much it would cost to do it at Velvet?

Then I stopped myself. I thought about what I was just thinking about and I realised it was yet another sign that the age of innocence had long ended for me. Instead of simply enjoying being at a launch party with free booze and free food, I was now analyzing why they launched here instead of there and how much it would have cost!

I decided to stop and just enjoy the free food & drink. The rest of the night passed in surreal haze of tequila and cigars (which were unfortunately NOT free). Did I grow to enjoy the Anejo? Not really. And I’m not alone – Clint Eastwood has since sold his shares in the tequila company and Bruce Willis, after checking out of rehab (again) has to avoid alcohol so he’s out of it too. But the next day I woke up with no hangover. Not even the First Kind. It was the only enjoyable tequila sunrise I’ve ever had. So I guess it was good stuff after all.