The Only Thing That Counts Is Me

We've got to Bang Her Long Enough Otherwise They'll Think We've got No Ammo

My favourite Associate said the above to me during a strategy meeting for an up coming arbitration hearing. What he meant to say was "You need to cross-examine the Claimant's prime witness intensively and extensively so that we don't give the Claimant's lawyers and the Arbitral Tribunal the impression that we're weak on the facts, which we are." That's what he meant to say but the title to this piece is what he actually said.

I stared at him whilst my mind processed that gem of a statement. Then I said, "Let me write that down word for word so that I can preserve it for posterity."

In other office news, I found out yesterday that 1 of my partners broke the following law of good legal practice:
1. Never Act Against a Fellow Partner's Client

He also broke the following laws of good healthy living:
2. Especially when the other partner's client owns half of a central asian republic;
3. And at your last meeting with them, the client sent his personal assistant - a woman who is the same size as you & your Associate combined;
4. And she was only the second largest person in the meeting room;
5. By far the largest person in the meeting room was the personal assistant's BODYGUARD;
6. The Bodyguard has a deep scar running diagonally across his face;
7. And halfway through the meeting, the Bodyguard pulled out a thick book on the human anatomy and started reading it quietly till the end of the meeting.

It was the most surreal meeting I've ever had with a client. But after that meeting, the Associate produced the most prompt and polished work I've ever seen him do on any file. Maybe I should have more clients like that to motivate the associates.