Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Why We Love Americans
The sign on the right was carried by a protestor in San Francisco objecting to China hosting the 2008 Summer Olympics. Americans can sometimes be such funny people because of their ignorance.
Reminds me of the time a friend of mine told me about running into an old High School classmate when he went back to Texas to visit his parents:
Classmate: "Hey dude, I haven't seen you in the longest time! Where have you been man?"
My Friend: "After school I took a job in San Francisco for a few years but then moved to Korea about 5 years ago."
Classmate: "Korea ... Ain't that near Kenya?"
My Friend: "Alphabetically, yes ..."
Anyway, I've tried in vain to find a picture of another protestor holding a companion sign saying "Would we have allowed the Soviet Union to host the Olympics?" Email me if it genuinely exists please.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Courtroom Gems
When you put 3 Senior Counsel (SC) together in a case as the Arbitrator and lead Counsels of the plaintiffs and defendants, you will quite often get witty snippets of dialogue because they are such clever people to begin with.
Today, at the end of a long cross-examination which I undertook as 2nd Counsel for the defendants, I asked for my cross-examination to be adjourned to tomorrow pending the delivery of further relevant documents. Wanting to ensure that the witness would not be examined for too much longer tomorrow, the learned Arbitrator asked if I would be limiting my cross-examination tomorrow to just issues raised by the further documents which I was going to receive overnight.
Fore: "Mr. Arbitrator sir, I would be grateful for your indulgence that my cross-examination tomorrow not be limited in that way. I do not claim to be anywhere near as capable as the 2 leading SCs in this case or yourself, sir and I therefore humbly ask that I be allowed to review the transcript of today's hearing overnight and be allowed to raise any points I may have overlooked tomorrow."
Arbitrator [smiling]: "Mr. Fore, are you trying to play me like a violin?"
Fore: "I wouldn't dare play a Stradivari, sir."
Plaintiffs' SC: "I think it's called a Stradivarius."
Defendants' SC: "Well that just proves Fore doesn't play the violin, doesn't it?"
Arbitrator [smiling]: "Yes, ok Fore. You have leave to continue all areas of cross-examination tomorrow. We will adjourn for the day."
I'm still just barely young enough to get away with blatant flattery like that :)
When you put 3 Senior Counsel (SC) together in a case as the Arbitrator and lead Counsels of the plaintiffs and defendants, you will quite often get witty snippets of dialogue because they are such clever people to begin with.
Today, at the end of a long cross-examination which I undertook as 2nd Counsel for the defendants, I asked for my cross-examination to be adjourned to tomorrow pending the delivery of further relevant documents. Wanting to ensure that the witness would not be examined for too much longer tomorrow, the learned Arbitrator asked if I would be limiting my cross-examination tomorrow to just issues raised by the further documents which I was going to receive overnight.
Fore: "Mr. Arbitrator sir, I would be grateful for your indulgence that my cross-examination tomorrow not be limited in that way. I do not claim to be anywhere near as capable as the 2 leading SCs in this case or yourself, sir and I therefore humbly ask that I be allowed to review the transcript of today's hearing overnight and be allowed to raise any points I may have overlooked tomorrow."
Arbitrator [smiling]: "Mr. Fore, are you trying to play me like a violin?"
Fore: "I wouldn't dare play a Stradivari, sir."
Plaintiffs' SC: "I think it's called a Stradivarius."
Defendants' SC: "Well that just proves Fore doesn't play the violin, doesn't it?"
Arbitrator [smiling]: "Yes, ok Fore. You have leave to continue all areas of cross-examination tomorrow. We will adjourn for the day."
I'm still just barely young enough to get away with blatant flattery like that :)
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Microsoft's Desperate PR Spin
The following headline appeared in the online edition of our daily paper this morning: "Passionate users beg for Windows XP not to be taken off shelves".
First of all, "passionate users"? Of Microsoft Windows? I've heard of passionate Macintosh users and Linux users but surely nobody in their right minds has been described as a passionate Windows user right? Isn't Windows just the operating system everyone who is not into Mac or Linux has to use because (a) they are forced to by the office; or (b) they don't know any better?
And secondly, begging for XP not to be removed? Why? Because the replacement Windows Vista sucks! That's why! Think I'm being harsh? If you read the article attached to the headline it becomes all too obvious. Here are some quotes:
"[XP users] trumpet its superiority to Windows Vista, Microsoft's latest PC operating system, whose consumer launch last January was greeted with lukewarm reviews."
"They complain about Vista's hefty hardware requirements, its less-than-peppy performance, occasional incompatibility with other programmes and devices and frequent, irritating security pop-up windows."
"[XP users commenting on a website] rail against the very idea that Microsoft has the power to enforce the phase-out from a stable, decent product to one that many consider worse, while profiting from the move. Many threatened to leave Windows for Apple or Linux machines."
So it's not so much that users are "passionate" about XP; they think Vista sucks and they don't want to be forced to use it! Instead of "Passionate users beg for Windows XP not to be taken off shelves", a more accurate headline would be "Windows Vista sucks so much that XP users beg not to be forced to use Vista".
"Passion" for XP has nothing to do with it. Since the new thing (Vista) sucks, of course you'd rather stick with the old thing (XP). If the new thing sucks enough (Vista) you might even get passionate about refusing to switch to the new thing - not because the old thing (XP) is great but because the new thing (Vista) is downright horrible!
It's like that part in Saving Private Ryan when they overrun a German machine gun position and all the German soldiers are dead except one. They get him to dig all the graves for the dead and when he's done, they get ready to shoot him. Realising what's going to happen to him, the German soldier grabs the shovel and continues digging "passionately", insisting that his work is not done yet. I mean, it's easy to get passionate about the previous thing you were doing and refuse to stop doing it when you realise the next thing you're going to do is to get shot! Windows Vista is like that in many ways.
Think I'm being too harsh on Vista? Don't take it from me:
The following headline appeared in the online edition of our daily paper this morning: "Passionate users beg for Windows XP not to be taken off shelves".
First of all, "passionate users"? Of Microsoft Windows? I've heard of passionate Macintosh users and Linux users but surely nobody in their right minds has been described as a passionate Windows user right? Isn't Windows just the operating system everyone who is not into Mac or Linux has to use because (a) they are forced to by the office; or (b) they don't know any better?
And secondly, begging for XP not to be removed? Why? Because the replacement Windows Vista sucks! That's why! Think I'm being harsh? If you read the article attached to the headline it becomes all too obvious. Here are some quotes:
"[XP users] trumpet its superiority to Windows Vista, Microsoft's latest PC operating system, whose consumer launch last January was greeted with lukewarm reviews."
"They complain about Vista's hefty hardware requirements, its less-than-peppy performance, occasional incompatibility with other programmes and devices and frequent, irritating security pop-up windows."
"[XP users commenting on a website] rail against the very idea that Microsoft has the power to enforce the phase-out from a stable, decent product to one that many consider worse, while profiting from the move. Many threatened to leave Windows for Apple or Linux machines."
So it's not so much that users are "passionate" about XP; they think Vista sucks and they don't want to be forced to use it! Instead of "Passionate users beg for Windows XP not to be taken off shelves", a more accurate headline would be "Windows Vista sucks so much that XP users beg not to be forced to use Vista".
"Passion" for XP has nothing to do with it. Since the new thing (Vista) sucks, of course you'd rather stick with the old thing (XP). If the new thing sucks enough (Vista) you might even get passionate about refusing to switch to the new thing - not because the old thing (XP) is great but because the new thing (Vista) is downright horrible!
It's like that part in Saving Private Ryan when they overrun a German machine gun position and all the German soldiers are dead except one. They get him to dig all the graves for the dead and when he's done, they get ready to shoot him. Realising what's going to happen to him, the German soldier grabs the shovel and continues digging "passionately", insisting that his work is not done yet. I mean, it's easy to get passionate about the previous thing you were doing and refuse to stop doing it when you realise the next thing you're going to do is to get shot! Windows Vista is like that in many ways.
Think I'm being too harsh on Vista? Don't take it from me:
- The Editor of PC Magazine, in his farewell column, finally admits that Vista sucks, "The litany of what doesn't work and what still frustrates me stretches on endlessly."
- Cracked magazine nominated Vista in its list of "2007: Seven things we should pretend never happened" and explained that "Nearly everyone hated Vista in the way that nearly everyone hates being stabbed."
- Vista sucks so much that Dell complained bitterly to Microsoft.
- Vista sucks so much that NEC launched a program to allow users to downgrade from Vista back to XP.
- In fact, Vista sucks so much that even members of Microsoft's own Board of Directors can't get their PCs to work. Their email complaints to Fester (Microsoft's CEO) get revealed in a class action lawsuit filed by "Vista users" (oxymoron?) against Microsoft!
- And finally, even after Vista Service Pack 1 is released, it proceeds to screw up on a common Intel chipset found in thousands of computers!
Misleading headlines like that make me shake my head and worry for the people who know better but write them and for the people who don't know better and read them. Reminds me of another headline, on the front page of the print edition after the dot.com bust which read "Economy Nearing the Bottom". Nearing the bottom? So we haven't seen the worst yet. Wouldn't it be more accurate to say "Economy Going to Get Worse - If you think this is bad, wait till you see what's going to happen in a few months' time!"
I'm still waiting for a newspaper to fess-up about the sub-prime crisis and run this headline "Economy Turns Corner; And Falls Down Stairs".
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Note to Self
In future, I should remember that it is a bad idea to:
1) Wake up at 2:30am to watch a football match (we won!);
2) Take a military physical fitness test after work that day (I passed!);
3) Go drinking that night at the Cricket Club till about 3am (I passed out!);
And the next day expect to be able to do a mock cross-examination in the morning, attend a Law Society committee meeting over lunch, take a conference call with India in the afternoon and hope to finish a ton of work as well.
Actually, everything was going fine until I quaffed several beers in quick succession at the Cricket Club. To paraphrase the late great Douglas Adams from Life, the Universe and Everything - I had a quick (second) beer to follow the first one down and check that it was alright. Then I had a third beer to find the second beer and see why it hadn't reported back yet on the condition of the first beer. Immediately after, I had a fourth beer as fast as I could so that it would catch up with the third beer and they could go looking for the second beer together, tell the second beer to pull up its socks, get its act together, snap to it and get cracking. I then had a fifth beer with orders to find the fourth beer because I wasn't sure the fourth beer could remember all its instructions and I followed it up with a sixth beer for moral support.
Not surprisingly, things got a bit rough after that.
In future, I should remember that it is a bad idea to:
1) Wake up at 2:30am to watch a football match (we won!);
2) Take a military physical fitness test after work that day (I passed!);
3) Go drinking that night at the Cricket Club till about 3am (I passed out!);
And the next day expect to be able to do a mock cross-examination in the morning, attend a Law Society committee meeting over lunch, take a conference call with India in the afternoon and hope to finish a ton of work as well.
Actually, everything was going fine until I quaffed several beers in quick succession at the Cricket Club. To paraphrase the late great Douglas Adams from Life, the Universe and Everything - I had a quick (second) beer to follow the first one down and check that it was alright. Then I had a third beer to find the second beer and see why it hadn't reported back yet on the condition of the first beer. Immediately after, I had a fourth beer as fast as I could so that it would catch up with the third beer and they could go looking for the second beer together, tell the second beer to pull up its socks, get its act together, snap to it and get cracking. I then had a fifth beer with orders to find the fourth beer because I wasn't sure the fourth beer could remember all its instructions and I followed it up with a sixth beer for moral support.
Not surprisingly, things got a bit rough after that.
Thursday, April 03, 2008
KTV Licensing Guidelines
So exactly how much cleavage / breasts can you show in your KTV? Well this is what the Annex A picture looks like. Shocking isn't it? First of all, any girl who looks like that is most certainly not going to be able to find employment in a KTV. And if she does, we certainly want her to be wearing a LOT more than just the prohibited area in Annex A!
Sometimes, in the course of legal research for a client, you learn all sorts of interesting stuff. Today for example, I learnt about the regime governing licensing of karaoke bars in Singapore. (I should add that you only learn interesting stuff if you have interesting clients)
For the uninitiated, there are 2 types of karaoke bars in Singapore. The first is the normal western style bar with the karaoke system in the general bar area. Patrons take turns to select and sing songs in front of everyone else in the bar. This is termed a "Family KTV".
The second type consists of many small rooms for groups of patrons and dozens of female staff whom patrons can choose to have sit with them for, er, conversation. These are euphemistically called "Business KTVs". In Singapore, the Police have come up with a set of guidelines for KTVs and a quick perusal of these guidelines makes it clear that they are aimed primarily at Business KTVs.
For example, condition 16 states: "The Licensee shall ensure that all staff, employees, performers, models, contestants and participants of any event are not indecently dressed or exposed." I wonder why this has to be specifically spelt out?
Condition 21 states that unless approval has been given, "the licensee shall not permit any person in the licensed premises to perform the duties of a hostess" and then very helpfully explains that this means "provide companionship to one or more patrons through consumption of drinks or conversation" (apart from taking orders, serving drinks & other incidental conversation).
Perhaps Condition 9 was drafted while keeping the above 2 conditions in mind. Condition 9 provides that "the licensee shall ensure that there is a clear view of the KTV rooms from the outside ... that blinds, curtains, decorations and other items or equipment which obstruct such view are not used."
Most explicitly, condition 17 states:
"... the Licensee shall prohibit any staff, employees, performers, models, contestants and participants of any event from being:
(a) Nude or partially nude;
(b) Topless;
(c) Dressed in attire that provides bare, transparent or translucent exposure of any part of the genitalia, nipples, breast/s ...
... an exception is made for those performers, models, contestants and participants who do not mingle with the patrons, who are permitted to be dressed in attire that provides bare, transparent or translucent exposure of any part of the breasts ... other than ... the portion of the breasts bounded by the two lateral lines as shown in Annex A ..."
So exactly how much cleavage / breasts can you show in your KTV? Well this is what the Annex A picture looks like. Shocking isn't it? First of all, any girl who looks like that is most certainly not going to be able to find employment in a KTV. And if she does, we certainly want her to be wearing a LOT more than just the prohibited area in Annex A!Secondly, isn't Annex A missing something? They've drawn the breasts and the nipples. What happened to the areola? Annex A is ambiguous! Is the prohibition against nipples only? Does that mean your KTV performer can show off her areola above the nipples?
And finally, why prohibit showing any part of the bottom of the breasts? Why can you reveal the top of the breasts up to just before the nipples but not any part of the bottom of the breasts after the nipples? Have the Police discovered that the bottom half of the breasts are somehow special when compared with the top half of the breasts?
Perhaps one day all these issues will be the subject of a massive and vigorous court battle. At least the Associates will enjoy the discovery process in this case more than most others.
Word Power
Alright, to all the frigtards who wrote hate mails and nasty comments in my last post about Habitat for Humanity, please go to OneLook, type in "sarcasm" and learn a new word today.
And while you're at it, look up "dumb as dog shit" then stare into a mirror till a light bulb goes on above your head.
In the words of El Jobso, siooma pal.
Alright, to all the frigtards who wrote hate mails and nasty comments in my last post about Habitat for Humanity, please go to OneLook, type in "sarcasm" and learn a new word today.
And while you're at it, look up "dumb as dog shit" then stare into a mirror till a light bulb goes on above your head.
In the words of El Jobso, siooma pal.
Habitat for Who?
So I had lunch today with a fellow lawyer and she was all excited telling me that she's taking leave from work tomorrow to go to Indonesia on a Habitat for Humanity project to build homes for needy people. Before I could say anything she was telling me all about how you pay for your own expenses and have to make a donation to the project, that Jimmy Carter is the patron and even Brad Pitt has volunteered for such projects before, blah, blah, blah ...
It got me thinking and in the afternoon, in a flash of synergistic brilliance, I called a client and told them all about this Habitat for Humanity stuff. The client was all for it and within the hour we had crafted the following letter and sent it off:
"Dear Habitat for Humanity,
We are a small organisation who are always keen to build homes for people. Unfortunately, we've run into a little problem with our current home building effort apparently because some Government body or other has labelled our newly identified plot of land as a "Protected Rainforest Full of Rare & Endangered Species" - like, whatever that means!
Anyhoo, can you help us get a Government permit under the auspices of your organisation to build these homes? Just get the permit and we'll clear the land and build the homes all by ourselves at no cost to you, okie? :)
Love,
Mr. Keeling Fields
Senior Project Development Manager
KonKreetz Building & Construction Pte Ltd"
It's so good putting organisations with synergy like this together! I feel like what Malcolm Gladwell calls a Connector. I really hope it works out. The 18-hole golf course and 20 beautiful bungalows that KonKreetz intends to build over there are really going to provide wonderful habitats for the members of humanity that can afford the $20 million a home price tag.
I think I'm really on to something here. Nowadays we get so much doom & gloom news about global warming, the population explosion and Hillary refusing to quit the Democratic Presidential Nomination race - humanity (those who can afford it) really needs ever more beautiful habitats to live in. This could be the beginning of something big :)
So I had lunch today with a fellow lawyer and she was all excited telling me that she's taking leave from work tomorrow to go to Indonesia on a Habitat for Humanity project to build homes for needy people. Before I could say anything she was telling me all about how you pay for your own expenses and have to make a donation to the project, that Jimmy Carter is the patron and even Brad Pitt has volunteered for such projects before, blah, blah, blah ...
It got me thinking and in the afternoon, in a flash of synergistic brilliance, I called a client and told them all about this Habitat for Humanity stuff. The client was all for it and within the hour we had crafted the following letter and sent it off:
"Dear Habitat for Humanity,
We are a small organisation who are always keen to build homes for people. Unfortunately, we've run into a little problem with our current home building effort apparently because some Government body or other has labelled our newly identified plot of land as a "Protected Rainforest Full of Rare & Endangered Species" - like, whatever that means!
Anyhoo, can you help us get a Government permit under the auspices of your organisation to build these homes? Just get the permit and we'll clear the land and build the homes all by ourselves at no cost to you, okie? :)
Love,
Mr. Keeling Fields
Senior Project Development Manager
KonKreetz Building & Construction Pte Ltd"
It's so good putting organisations with synergy like this together! I feel like what Malcolm Gladwell calls a Connector. I really hope it works out. The 18-hole golf course and 20 beautiful bungalows that KonKreetz intends to build over there are really going to provide wonderful habitats for the members of humanity that can afford the $20 million a home price tag.
I think I'm really on to something here. Nowadays we get so much doom & gloom news about global warming, the population explosion and Hillary refusing to quit the Democratic Presidential Nomination race - humanity (those who can afford it) really needs ever more beautiful habitats to live in. This could be the beginning of something big :)
