Monday, August 25, 2008
Olympic Doping goes Beyond just the Athletes
Beijing Olympic officials confirmed today that after last week's stunning discovery of 4 horses with performance enhancing substances in the equestrian competition, anti-drug officers have begun testing a wide range of equipment used by athletes.
So far, 2 tennis rackets, a pole vault and a pair of running shorts have been found with confusing amounts of banned substances. Officials are unsure as to what this really means.
Beijing Olympic officials confirmed today that after last week's stunning discovery of 4 horses with performance enhancing substances in the equestrian competition, anti-drug officers have begun testing a wide range of equipment used by athletes.
So far, 2 tennis rackets, a pole vault and a pair of running shorts have been found with confusing amounts of banned substances. Officials are unsure as to what this really means.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
This is Getting Out of Hand
Officials at the International Math Olympiad confirmed today that Iranian contestant, has been banned for taking the performance enhancing drug: anabolic smartoids.
Officials became suspicious when on the 2nd day of the competition, the contestant became so smart he could answer correctly before the questions were read out:
Question: In which year,
Contestant: 1995.
Question: Name the mathematicians who
Contestant: Goro Shimura and Yutaka Taniyama.
Over at the Beijing Summer Olympics, an American basketball player has also been found to have taken a performance enhancing drug - Viagra. According to one Ms. Chastity Prudence, an employee at the Happy Hostess Club in Houhai, Beijing, the basketballer's performance was immensely enhanced after taking the drug. However, as his performance in relation to basketball was not improved by the drug, the IOC Officials have decided not to sanction the player. The Officials have however felt it necessary to continue their interviews of Ms. Prudence long after the case was closed.
Officials at the International Math Olympiad confirmed today that Iranian contestant, has been banned for taking the performance enhancing drug: anabolic smartoids.
Officials became suspicious when on the 2nd day of the competition, the contestant became so smart he could answer correctly before the questions were read out:
Question: In which year,
Contestant: 1995.
Question: Name the mathematicians who
Contestant: Goro Shimura and Yutaka Taniyama.
Over at the Beijing Summer Olympics, an American basketball player has also been found to have taken a performance enhancing drug - Viagra. According to one Ms. Chastity Prudence, an employee at the Happy Hostess Club in Houhai, Beijing, the basketballer's performance was immensely enhanced after taking the drug. However, as his performance in relation to basketball was not improved by the drug, the IOC Officials have decided not to sanction the player. The Officials have however felt it necessary to continue their interviews of Ms. Prudence long after the case was closed.
Friday, August 15, 2008
2 More Athletes Fail Dope Tests
This is real. North Korean Shooter Kim Jong Su was stripped of a silver and a bronze medal for failing a drug test. Vietnamese Gymnast, Thi Ngan Thuong Do, was also kicked out of the Olympics for doping. She finished in 82nd place in the women's floor exercises.
My advice: Avoid whatever drugs Ms. Thi Ngan Thuong Do was taking. I'm no expert but I don't think banned performance enhancing drugs are intended to help you achieve 82nd position.
As for Mr. Kim Jong Su who got silver in the 50 metre pistol shooting event, I think his medals should be given to the guy who told him he tested positive and asked him for his medals back. Maybe it was a team of guys. In bullet-proof vests and carrying assault rifles.
I'd volunteer to get medals back from the chess team. Let somebody else give the bad news to archers, shooters, fencers, wrestlers etc.
This is real. North Korean Shooter Kim Jong Su was stripped of a silver and a bronze medal for failing a drug test. Vietnamese Gymnast, Thi Ngan Thuong Do, was also kicked out of the Olympics for doping. She finished in 82nd place in the women's floor exercises.
My advice: Avoid whatever drugs Ms. Thi Ngan Thuong Do was taking. I'm no expert but I don't think banned performance enhancing drugs are intended to help you achieve 82nd position.
As for Mr. Kim Jong Su who got silver in the 50 metre pistol shooting event, I think his medals should be given to the guy who told him he tested positive and asked him for his medals back. Maybe it was a team of guys. In bullet-proof vests and carrying assault rifles.
I'd volunteer to get medals back from the chess team. Let somebody else give the bad news to archers, shooters, fencers, wrestlers etc.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Drug Busts at the Beijing Olympics
This is hot off the press. Russian Rhythmic Gymnastic specialist and 5 time Olympic champion, Ivana Humpalot, has been disqualified for taking the banned drug anabolic rhytmoids. The drug allowed her to dance to music with perfect timing while doing her routine. Olympic officials first became suspicious when they noticed that for half an hour, her left eye blinked every 3 seconds exactly, when she was asleep.
Also, it was recently rumoured that a certain pair of 3 time Olympic synchronized diving champions spent one year as siamese twins to train themselves to do everything together.
Finally and completely unrelated, the picture on the right was really taken from the Olympics. My guess is that this tennis doubles pair were eventually disqualified for trying to eat the tennis balls instead of returning serve.
This is hot off the press. Russian Rhythmic Gymnastic specialist and 5 time Olympic champion, Ivana Humpalot, has been disqualified for taking the banned drug anabolic rhytmoids. The drug allowed her to dance to music with perfect timing while doing her routine. Olympic officials first became suspicious when they noticed that for half an hour, her left eye blinked every 3 seconds exactly, when she was asleep.
Also, it was recently rumoured that a certain pair of 3 time Olympic synchronized diving champions spent one year as siamese twins to train themselves to do everything together.
Finally and completely unrelated, the picture on the right was really taken from the Olympics. My guess is that this tennis doubles pair were eventually disqualified for trying to eat the tennis balls instead of returning serve.